Feeble Friendships
I’ve been thinking a lot lately….about different things. This blog is going to come out like shit, cause I’m trying to watch desperate housewives at the same time….but, I feel like writing, so too bad. I’ve been thinking about friendships. I’m mad at Kim today. I’m sure it’s mostly my rejection defense, but I can’t figure out what’s wrong. It starts to feel like my “friendship” w/ her is similar to my “friendship” with Kristen. The difference (and it’s big, trust me) is that I geniunely like Kim..I love Kim…and, I never really cared too much Kristen. I miss Kim lately, and I only feel relief that Kristen is no longer in my life. but, here’s the similarities…I feel like I have to work pretty hard at being friends w/ Kim…it never seems to come super naturally. And, Kim rarely really opens up to me…I don’t know…She does but she doesn’t. she certainly shows me more of her true self than Kristen (who doesn’t seem to even have a real self)…but, she often back pedals pretty hard after she tells you something honest. Now, all of this blabber leads me to some other thoughts…I’m beginning to think I just expect too damn much from my friends. This blog, for example, makes me sound like I’m gay. I was thinking this week that maybe I’ve been very blessed in life to have had some very real, very deep friendships w/ amazing women…. and, so I expect things that other people have never even experienced. Is it the stage of life I’m in?? I think of my mom at 40 and she didn’t hang out w/ any girlfriends that I can remember. She has far more friends now. but, she did hang out w/ her sisters a lot, and I don’t have that. Or, maybe its just that my stage in life doesn’t match most of the people I know. Or, (and this is my dumbest thought yet…but maybe) it’s because I’m too fat now. Maybe people just don’t really care for fat people. hahaha. I know that’s so stupid, but I do think about it. Maybe my fat inhibits me from engaging w/ my friends like I would otherwise, IDK. But, why then, is Kim so different now. she acts annoyed every time I’m around her…let me clarify..annoyed w/ me. It’s starting to piss me off. I feel like I might tell her though…at least w/ Kim, she’ll have an honest conversation w/ me about it…which GOD KNOWS…Kristen never would. anyway, all this comes back to the same damn thing…why are friendships so damn feeble. Thank god for Kat. She’s the one person I can always count on.
