Shana Sue Says

Really?  Why not?  I mean, if it talks like a duck, walks like a duck, my guess…I don’t know…call me crazy…but, it just might be a fucking fuck-a-duck!

NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!!!

I’m so mad at you.  And, I hate it when people don’t give enough of a shit to ask why I’m mad…or, try to figure out what went wrong.  Fuck off.

Just thought it was funny that I said “super naturally” in my last blog.  Maybe that’s the problem…I expect supernatural things from my friends.  :)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately….about different things.  This blog is going to come out like shit, cause I’m trying to watch desperate housewives at the same time….but, I feel like writing, so too bad.  I’ve been thinking about friendships.  I’m mad at Kim today.  I’m sure it’s mostly my rejection defense, but I can’t figure out what’s wrong.  It starts to feel like my “friendship” w/ her is similar to my “friendship” with Kristen.  The difference (and it’s big, trust me) is that I geniunely like Kim..I love Kim…and, I never really cared too much Kristen.  I miss Kim lately, and I only feel relief that Kristen is no longer in my life.  but, here’s the similarities…I feel like I have to work pretty hard at being friends w/ Kim…it never seems to come super naturally.  And, Kim rarely really opens up to me…I don’t know…She does but she doesn’t.  she certainly shows me more of her true self than Kristen (who doesn’t seem to even have a real self)…but, she often back pedals pretty hard after she tells you something honest.  Now, all of this blabber leads me to some other thoughts…I’m beginning to think I just expect too damn much from my friends.  This blog, for example, makes me sound like I’m gay.  I was thinking this week that maybe I’ve been very blessed in life to have had some very real, very deep friendships w/ amazing women…. and, so I expect things that other people have never even experienced.  Is it the stage of life I’m in??  I think of my mom at 40 and she didn’t hang out w/ any girlfriends that I can remember.  She has far more friends now.  but, she did hang out w/ her sisters a lot, and I don’t have that.  Or, maybe its just that my stage in life doesn’t match most of the people I know.  Or, (and this is my dumbest thought yet…but maybe) it’s because I’m too fat now.  Maybe people just don’t really care for fat people.  hahaha. I know that’s so stupid, but I do think about it.  Maybe my fat inhibits me from engaging w/ my friends like I would otherwise, IDK.  But, why then, is Kim so different now.  she acts annoyed every time I’m around her…let me clarify..annoyed w/ me.  It’s starting to piss me off.  I feel like I might tell her though…at least w/ Kim, she’ll have an honest conversation w/ me about it…which GOD KNOWS…Kristen never would.   anyway, all this comes back to the same damn thing…why are friendships so damn feeble.  Thank god for Kat.  She’s the one person I can always count on.

• In a book
• Battery operated
• Music in the car
• In prayer, if you’re up for that….
• In a neighbor, even those you don’t much care for
• In times gone by
• In buying something new
• In a warm rain
• In a WBF (Work-Best-Friend)
• In a clean house
• In a snuggle in bed with H
• In a luxury buy
• In a cold beer after a long day
• In a good paycheck
• Laughter
• On FB
• In memories
• Lbs lost
• All nice twists, but still nothing like the real thing

1. New dishwasher…washing by hand ssssuuuuuccckkkksssss…….
2. Carpeting
3. Queen mattress for K’s room.
4. New comforters for K’s and my room.
5. Tile in entry way
6. Tile or vinyl in kitchen.
7. Paint entry way and take down wallpaper
8. New wood siding where it’s needed.
9. Paint house.
10. New garage door.
11. Clean out the garage.
12. Lose 30 pounds.
13. Get ankle fixed.
14. Paint master bedroom.
15. Paint main bathroom.
16. New faucets in Kitchen and main bath.
17. New grill
18. Cable in the bedroom.
19. Get caught up on all bills
20. New car
21. Redo basement
22. Redo kitchen cabinets
23. Eat more organic foods
24. New driveway
25. Have J’s family in Omaha for a weekend
26. Go Book shopping

It’s been a wierd weekend.  I’m not always so good about being alone.  I wish I was more motivated….that I had cleaned house, and cleaned out drawers, and accomplished SOMETHING!!  But, no…I mostly watched TV…layed around.  Wishing I wasn’t alone, but not making any efforts to change it.  Sometimes I am such a loner.  I try to figure out if it’s because I prefer to be alone, or if I just don’t really have anyone that wants to hang out w/ me.  And, unfortunately, if I’m really honest…I think it’s the later.  Not that I don’t have friends..I do.  I feel like I have a lot of people who deeply and genuinely love me.  If I needed them, they would be here in a minute.  For that, I’m better off than probably most in the world.  But, with the exception of my amazing H…no day-in-day-out kind of friends that want to spend a Friday and Saturday night w/ nothing else to do…w/ me.  It always becomes painfully clear on the days that H is gone.  *sigh*   I need a sister.  And, not one that lives across the country from me.  I need a sister whose willing to move in next door. I hate sleeping alone.  I really really hate it.